Thursday, September 6, 2007
7 kids + 2 parents = DOUBT
Please don't say "I told you so." This is difficult and humbling enough.
Seven kids is A LOT of kids. It's overwhelming. It's busy. It's tough.
Don't get me wrong, we do have a lot of fun. But, often, it's just plain difficult!
We gave the womb to God back when we were expecting our second child. Up until that point, most people I knew had a baby about every other year. Which means that our seventh child "should" have been born when our oldest was 14. But, our seventh was born when our oldest wasn't quite ten. That's a lot of kids in a short period of time.
We love each one of our children. We wouldn't send any of them back (well, depending on the day - we may send them on vacation). But, having so many so close together makes it very difficult to train them properly. One of the reasons we home-school is because "foolishness is bound in the heart of a child" and we know that putting 20 five year olds in the same room will just breed more foolishness. However, we have seven children living together 24 hours a day. I have a bunch of court jesters!
Our hearts were right. We weren't out to set a record in how many children we had. We just wanted to please God. However, we feel we're losing control. That is probably a sin on our part. We should be able to live peaceably with 20 kids. But, we're struggling and, dare I say, failing. Oh, we haven't drowned, but should we just be keeping our heads above water?
Maybe I'm a control freak. But, I like to know what my children are doing and where they are. I like to have them looking neat and presentable. I like to know how they are doing with their school. I like to feed them healthy meals. The more little ones pulling me in different directions, the more difficult it is to fulfill all these obligations. Somedays, it's almost impossible.
I believe the Bible tells me to keep my home, to raise godly and sober children. I am to provide for them (read Proverbs 31). I am to love, honor, and reverence my husband. If I have so many children that I can't keep up with the house, don't have the strength to train my children in obedience (which is a command that I am responsible in helping them keep), and am to exhausted to show "due benevolence" to the one I married, am I really following God properly?
I do believe GOD gave us these children in the time He wanted us to have them. I struggle with these doubts that I now have. Am I trusting God less? At the same time, is it really a command to have a lot of children? Am I in danger of judgment if we prevent another baby? Do I serve a God such as this? Am I pleasing Him while I have more children yet have less time to spend with each one to make sure they're trained in His ways or am so tired that my patience with them is limited?
These are just thoughts my beloved and I are having. We're questioning and don't have the answer. Maybe we're just tired. Maybe our faith is weak. Maybe we'll be stronger tomorrow. Maybe God is trying to tell us something in His love and mercy.
Maybe someone else just needs to know we're struggling.