Thursday, January 8, 2009
...in more ways than one.
You may have noticed long absences on this blog. Yes, it's true I've been busy. Yes, I've been trying to go to bed earlier (well, except for tonight). But, there's more to it.
I've been away...spiritually. For months. When I am apathetic towards spiritual things, I become apathetic toward life. Then, I become downright depressed. Who wants to hear the thoughts of a apathetically depressed person?
Yes, I realize those words are mutually exclusive. I don't care. :)
It's interesting how when I am facing a challenge, I cling to my faith and feel God's presence in a very real way. That's how it was as we were preparing for and in the midst of Michael's surgery this past spring. God gave me strength, comfort, and faith.
However, once it was over, I let go of God's hand as I was sure I could walk on my own once again. Once I let go, the distance between us gradually increased. At first, I was beside Him, just further away. Then, maybe I ran ahead, but, eventually, I lagged far behind. God was still walking, but I began to doubt - my faith, even my God.
How does a person saved almost 30 years begin to doubt her Saviour? The simple act of neglecting His word. Holy communion replaced with corrupt communication. When I put down the Word of God, the words of the devil plagued my mind, my heart, my very soul.
The result? The joy vanished - not only from my spiritual life but from my daily physical life. The laughter all but ceased. Not only that, but it affected most aspects of my day. Dinners became even more mundane than usual as my creativity was lacking. Phone calls to friends were scarce because, frankly, I didn't care. Let's face it, if you don't care about God, you don't care about His children. (I could have said "don't care about the things of God, but if you don't care about "His things" you don't care about HIM.) And, of course, this blog suffered.
Putting down the Bible comes from a spirit of ingratitude. I became unthankful for all the things God has done in my life. I complained and fretted about various things - children, finances, home, politics, health, life in general. I completely ignored the blessings God has bestowed upon me in the past and in every day of my life. Only through ingratitude can one stop smiling and laughing. Only through ingratitude can one not care. Only through ingratitude can you begin to doubt the very existence of God.
But, by His grace, I'm back. I've picked up the Bible and am reading His Words with renewed excitement. It's almost like reuniting with my husband after a long absence. Why is it that the first few days are so sweet and then, as the days and weeks go by, it becomes more "hum-drum"? It's too bad that freshness cannot be constant. But, just as with my husband, the love needs to be nurtured and it will grow. It's been nurtured for a couple of weeks. The love grows and the sweetness abounds.
Oh, and I've begun to laugh.
I have taken hold of God's hand once again. Let's face it, even if you can walk on your own, it's so much nicer holding hands.