Saturday, November 7, 2009

Ramblings

I'm not even sure what I should write. I've had writer's block for quite some time. I have had little desire to post anything here.  Even now, I'm just typing but have absolutely no direction in which I want to go.

Things are happening in my life, yet nothing overly exciting or humorous.  Maybe it's just my perspective.  Sometimes, I feel like I don't have enough time to ponder the things that happen and consider their deeper meaning.  It's a race from one situation to the next around here.  Not a good place to be, but where I seem to be at. 

I came back from my annieversary trip rested, relaxed, and committed to a stress-free lifestyle.  In some ways, I'm holding on to that.  However, life often has other ideas and there are times when things just seem to build up.

To be truthful, I'm worn out.  I'm tired, exhausted, discouraged, and feeling a bit defeated. Do all moms feel this way at one point?  I wish I could type all the feelings I've been having the past week or so, but it is often wiser to keep your thoughts to yourself.  Just know that I struggle like many moms struggle - maybe more.  I have a 2 year old who needs to learn not to scream and a 12 year old who is trying to get a taste of independence.  In between, I have 5 other children who have their own struggles and needs.  My husband is working crazy hours. I am one woman.  I fail daily; often several times a day.  I have to pick myself up and go on.  But, I am only one woman.  A weak woman. 

I keep having to remind myself that I am not alone.  Though I fail Him, God has not deserted me.  His mercies are new every morning...every moment.  He is the One I regularly ask forgiveness.  He is the One I ask where I've gone wrong.  He is the One I ask for direction.  He is the One who keeps me going.  He is the One who has this whole thing under control.

As I complain and feel discouraged, there is a sweet missionary family grieving the loss of their precious 2 year old son this week.  The last several months have been filled with cancer diagnosis, treatments, hospital stays, hopes built and dashed.  Last Sunday morning, a mother woke up to see that  her baby had taken his last breath in the night. 

What do I have to complain about?  How dare I complain about a screaming 2 year old!  He could be forever silent.  How dare I get frustrated with my 12 year old.  He could be gone tomorrow. 

The grieving mother holds God's hand.  She clings to Him and talks to Him continuously.  She trusts Him.  It's the only way she will make it.  It's the only way any of us will make it. 

As I end my ramblings, I go away pondering what I have to be thankful for and with the realization that God is so good to me...so good to us all.

7 comments:

Sarah said...

I have been feeling the same way with my eye problems and lupus...my family hasn't gotten the sweet me most of the time! But then I think about what I am thankful for...or who our God is...and after getting up off my knees, things are better.
Thanks for sharing, Vicki!

Brenda said...

Oh that perspective. I know it makes your problems seem like nothing, but that is not true either. God cares for both of you. He cares when we hurt.

Nomad said...

I'm with you. Though I only have two kids, I'm often feeling like I'm running from one task to the next, constantly being sidetracked by "attitude-training". Kind of discouraging! But, as you know, it during times when we feel this way that our decision to thank the Lord is, as He calls it, a "sacrifice of praise"! It's hard- and I'm 5 kids behind you! You're in my prayers!
~Lisa

Sarah P said...

Amen to that one! We really do have so much to be thankful for!
And our small problems are important to God too ... No matter what size :) Love ya Mrs Vicki! Hope things get better for ya!

elianna m said...

Aww... will be praying for you! I'll pass on something a certain very wise person told me recently... ;)
Remember, God's mercies are new every morning! Every day is a new one... a fresh start.
Thanks for sharing! Love you!

Ten Swamp Dogies said...

Thank you for your post and sharing your heart.

It's during these times that we depend on God the most and He delights in showing Himself strong to us, doesn't He? We truly are the weaker vessel and God designed it that way :)

Thank you Lord for your goodness to us,
Tina

Jamie Parfitt said...

After going to Karen Blackburn's blog and reading it, I can see that some of your blues probably come from reading her story. I'm choked up and kind of heavy-hearted myself. If something comes up with one of the kids now, it will be more intense than usual, I'll bet.