I'm not even sure what I should write. I've had writer's block for quite some time. I have had little desire to post anything here. Even now, I'm just typing but have absolutely no direction in which I want to go.
Things are happening in my life, yet nothing overly exciting or humorous. Maybe it's just my perspective. Sometimes, I feel like I don't have enough time to ponder the things that happen and consider their deeper meaning. It's a race from one situation to the next around here. Not a good place to be, but where I seem to be at.
I came back from my annieversary trip rested, relaxed, and committed to a stress-free lifestyle. In some ways, I'm holding on to that. However, life often has other ideas and there are times when things just seem to build up.
To be truthful, I'm worn out. I'm tired, exhausted, discouraged, and feeling a bit defeated. Do all moms feel this way at one point? I wish I could type all the feelings I've been having the past week or so, but it is often wiser to keep your thoughts to yourself. Just know that I struggle like many moms struggle - maybe more. I have a 2 year old who needs to learn not to scream and a 12 year old who is trying to get a taste of independence. In between, I have 5 other children who have their own struggles and needs. My husband is working crazy hours. I am one woman. I fail daily; often several times a day. I have to pick myself up and go on. But, I am only one woman. A weak woman.
I keep having to remind myself that I am not alone. Though I fail Him, God has not deserted me. His mercies are new every morning...every moment. He is the One I regularly ask forgiveness. He is the One I ask where I've gone wrong. He is the One I ask for direction. He is the One who keeps me going. He is the One who has this whole thing under control.
As I complain and feel discouraged, there is a sweet missionary family grieving the loss of their precious 2 year old son this week. The last several months have been filled with cancer diagnosis, treatments, hospital stays, hopes built and dashed. Last Sunday morning, a mother woke up to see that her baby had taken his last breath in the night.
What do I have to complain about? How dare I complain about a screaming 2 year old! He could be forever silent. How dare I get frustrated with my 12 year old. He could be gone tomorrow.
The grieving mother holds God's hand. She clings to Him and talks to Him continuously. She trusts Him. It's the only way she will make it. It's the only way any of us will make it.
As I end my ramblings, I go away pondering what I have to be thankful for and with the realization that God is so good to me...so good to us all.