Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Not his mother, but his lover

This past Sunday, my pastor preached yet another awesome message.  However, equally as awesome are his bunny-trails.  He got to talking about how wives are not to be their husbands' mother.  (Don't worry, he got on the men about things, too.)  If I were the shouting-in-church-kind I probably would have had a minor shouting fit.  In a good way.

One of the things that irritates me most in this life is hearing a woman treat her husband as if he were a 10 year old.  Have you ever watched even one episode of Jon & Kate plus Eight?  She is the extreme case in point.  Not to condone Jon or any other husband who cheats on his wife, but that is the epitomy of the contentious wife who drives her husband to the corner of the housetop.  Men need to be treated as men, not as boys.

And, don't give me, "well, I'll stop treating him like a boy when he stops acting like one."  Maybe he'll start romancing you as a woman when you start acting like one!

Sorry, got in the flesh there a bit.

I know none of my readers ever tell their man what to do - whether it be household chores, how to take care of a child, how to dress, how to drive, or how to treat you.  I know I never have. *cough*

Ok.  I lied. There have been a few times when I've treated my husband like a young boy without a clue.  I've disapproved of his clothes.  I've disapproved of his driving. I've disapproved of his timing in getting a job done.  When I open my mouth and tell him what to do or how he could improve I have no romantic feelings toward my sweetheart.  I feel prideful, frustrated, or angry. Quite frankly, I don't like myself.  I hate sounding like a drill sergeant to my children and I really hate sounding like one to the man whom I'm supposed to cherish.  I know for a fact he isn't feeling really mushy & gooshy when I treat him that way, either.

I can honestly say that I rarely nag or tell my husband what to do or how to do it.  Two reasons:
1.  I want to keep our relationship sweet
2.  My husband, though a steady, easy-going guy, is not going to listen to his wife give him orders.  He is much more responsive to reasonable and well-placed requests.
If I treated my man like a child on a regular basis, our relationship would sour and we would be irritated with each other most of the time.  However, it is sad to say that many women in this day, Christian and non-Christian alike, take on more of a motherly role than that of a wife to their husbands,   A woman will treat her husband like a child and then complain that there is no more romance in their marriage.  She wonders why he no longer treats her as the princess he once did when they were dating.  He no longer has the woman of his dreams, he has mom #2.  Not very romantic.

Ever have a woman tell you "you need to tell your husband to do [such-and-such]"?  I have.  Before following her unwise advice, take a look at her marriage and how she treats her husband.    Most often, a woman who is telling you to order your husband around is doing the same thing in her marriage and you will rarely find sweetness in that type of situation.  You will find a discontented, bossy wife with a discontented & often angry man.  There will be few, if any, shows of affection between the two and you won't see them having very many deep, intimate conversations.  Be careful of being fooled by advice from a "strong" woman who advises you to demand things from your husband and tells you that he should listen to you. 

I've seen it many times.  The more a woman "mothers" her husband, the further the distance becomes between the once-madly-in-love-couple. She picks out his clothes, tells him how to hold or play with their child, tells him what chores he needs to get done, etc.  If it makes my stomach turn, imagine how that husband feels.

Wife, don't nit-pick.  Let him do things his way and in his time.  FYI - just because he doesn't do it your way or in your time doesn't mean he's wrong! Yes, you can ask more than once for something to be done - key word being ASK.

I will ask Eric to do something and won't mention it again for weeks.  I've been advised to TELL him to get something done.  That will get me no where.  Just as I desire (and get) patience and understanding from him, I give it in return.  If it's 90 degrees outside, I would love for my a/c to be put in.  But, if he's harvesting wheat for 15 hours a day, I'm not going nag him every day or demand that he do it RIGHT NOW.  He hasn't forgotten and usually the a/c will be put in once he sees me passed out on the floor.    Yes, it will take patience.  Yes, you may feel inner frustration.  But, he will see your patience (usually) and will appreciate your kindness and trust in him.  If it's weeks or months before the job gets done, instead of saying, "It's about time" just say "thank you" and give him a kiss, a hug, and make him a special dinner, dessert, or just pour him a cold drink.  You'll make him glad he did something for you and the romance will stay alive.

They say that mothering is the hardest job in the world.  Being a wife is a lot more fun.  He has a mother.  She told him what to do, how to dress, how to act, etc., during his childhood years.  You're his lover.  Love him as the man he is now. 


Sally, Greg and Hannah said...

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was good. (That would make a terrific bridal shower devotional!) I read some portions out loud to my hubby and he whole heartedly agrees! It is hard sometimes to remember these things, but a swift kick in the behind is always helpful! Thanks!!! :)

mom of 7 kiddos on a mission said...

SO true! I need that reminder every day. I asked my husband on Sunday I don't ever use your middle name do I? He said no so that is one area I dont have to work on!

Julia said...

Great post! I am currently single but will definitely keep all this in mind for future reference. :)

Sarah...the Momma! said...

This is a good (and sometimes daily) reminder! It takes practice with a mind set on Christ...that's for sure!! Our 20th anniversary is not far away, and I am now beginning to see the fruits of practicing being a true helpmeet to my Todd! (That's my fault - slow learner! haha) It's like a new marriage for us & I love it!!
Don't let anyone tell you that you live in a fantasy land or don't understand "their" marriage...scripture is clear & you are being faithful to it! Much love!

V&J said...

That was a good post! Thanks! I agree and it is also always good to hear it from others ~ especially those who have been married longer than me! :) (I haven't been married for 5 full years yet... :) ) It is something that as a younger person I cringe when I see... But I good reminder to check myself to make sure I am not doing that to my lover!