I won't comment on how long I've been gone.
I won't promise to be here regularly.
I won't be finishing the book study...too restricting and discouraging when I get behind.
I write because I love to write when I have the time. When I have a deadline or a self-inflicted requirement, it is no longer enjoyable.
I also write when there is something on my heart...whether funny, nostalgic, contemplative, or sad.
Such as today.
I have recently been contemplating friendship. Throughout my forty years, I have been incredibly blessed by many friendships. I have been helped. I have been made better. I have experienced incredible joys and happiness. I have laughed.
I have also experienced incredible heartache. I have shed tears. My heart has been broken. I have helped when I was needed, then walked away from when I was no longer considered useful.
I have become fearful of getting close to friends. While my joys far outweigh the hurts, the hurts have left scars. Scars that I am afraid will be reopened and never again heal.
Throughout my life and the loss of friends, I have remembered that there is a Friend who will never leave me nor will He forsake me. He never disappoints me. He never hurts me. However, I realized this week that I have often forsaken Him. I have disappointed Him more times than I can count. I have undoubtedly hurt Him deeper than any friend has ever hurt me.
When we offer someone our friendship, we offer a part of our hearts and a part of our lives. Christ laid down His entire life for me. When someone walks away with that piece of my heart that I gave to them, it is painful. How much more when I walk away from the One Who hung on a cross and gave His holy life for me...an unworthy sinner...an unworthy child...an unworthy friend?
I ask myself if it is worth offering my heart in friendship when I know the risk of being hurt is very real. When I think of what Christ gave and how His selfless love changed my life, I have to think that that is what He would have me do.
Love even while knowing it will bring pain.
Love. It will change someone's life; even if they walk away.
When they do, I will run to my very best Friend Who loves me endlessly. I will ask Him to comfort me and to keep me from being bitter. I will ask Him for the grace and strength to love & give my heart yet again. I will ask Him to forgive me for hurting Him deeper and more often. I will thank Him, yet again, for His unconditional love. And I will try to learn and practice that love throughout my life.