Truthfully, the entire human race is made up of wretches. So, I ought not be shocked. But, some days, I still am. Shocked by the depth of my sinfulness.
In turn, I am amazed by God's grace. By the grace of loved ones in my life as they follow God's example. It is incomprehensible and it leaves me feeling humbled.
Humbled and, oft times, weighed down with grief. Grief that I would stoop to Satan rather than reach higher ground. Grief that I would hurt rather than edify. Grief that I would be so selfish. Memories often cause grief and grief is a burden I often bear. I think we all do.
But, I must consciously remember to focus on the grace…not on what I did to cause the grace. Only God can take my sin, forgive me, and turn it all into a priceless gift called grace. Only He can use something to make me realize what I've always known superficially - I needed a Saviour.
Oh, I accepted Christ as my Saviour long ago. But, it took years for me to see my absolute need for Him. Like the one who falls overboard, reaches for the life preserver, gets safely back on board, then turns to see the Great White Shark that had been lurking nearby.
I will be honest. I wish my grief would go away. I wish days like today, where the heart is so heavy my shoulders slump, would pass quickly never to return. But, if the memories of my wickedness went away, so would the memories of His grace, His mercy, His love. My praise would quiet. My desire to serve Him would be quenched. My pace in this Christian race would slow and my Bible would sit unopened for days.
I mourn because of my wretchedness. I dance because of His grace. Some days I only mourn. Some days I only dance. Often, I do both. I dance through my tears. Tears of sorrow, but tears of joy because He loves me in spite of my sin.
God loves this wretch and I am full of thanks.